So I was talking to a friend I have down in Miami aka ‘The not so Mother Land’ and it came up how the classes in school are bilingual and how you can actually graduate without knowing the language.
This lead to how all of the signs are in Spanish or some other goobly gook that I don’t speak and we started hating on how we have let this happen.
The American language is English the last time I checked but some how the lands south of the Everglades have not heard about this.
Or they did hear it but didn’t understand it because it wasn’t in Spanish?
This needs to be fixed!
I am all about the melting pot effect and bringing over your culture and blah blah blah but come one.
I am actually from down there and I can’t speak to anyone?
I think I have come up with an ideal on how to fix this situation and I am afraid that I might be the only one left who is capable of doing it.
I am willing to take one for the team but it might have lasting effects that none of us are ready for … we might long and want the effects but the first response’s might be a little strange with a lot of gasping and shocking from the onlookers.
I will expect my face on Mt. Rushmore and to be at least nominated as a write in for President after I have completed my mission for this great Country of ours!
I being of a somewhat sound mind, and of reasonable health, (No matter what my Dr. might say) … am thinking about (Because of my ADD though I will forget tomorrow so lets not put a lot of faith into my words) … taking back the ‘South!’
How you might ask?
Brace yourself this is so simple and I can’t believe it has taken so long to come up with, but brilliance cannot be rushed!
I am going to go down and with my charming good looks and my super persuasive personality, I am going to force myself into the mix of all the collage age girls.
I hear it now, how could this help?
Step 1) Well because I am just so darn attractive and woman swoon as I walk by … (Not because I have a Flatulence problem like some people I know!) I will win them all over and they will all want to be with me.
Step 2) After this happens I will not speak to any of them unless they can speak in English.
The few who don’t I will be forced to threaten to smack them.
The effect of a violence threat will make them think I am a ‘Bad Boy’ causing them to want me, and then they too will submit to my plans as well.
Step 3) The men will then see that the hot Gringo is stealing all of the women and they will think it is because I speak English and have an American accent so they will then learn the true local lingo as well trying to win back there women.
With no effect I might add, you can’t fight what I have!
Positive Side effects equal - All of the younger people speak English and then teach there children and then they teach there children so that in just 2 generations I have had the effect that I was attempting to draw forth.
It might be 4 or 5 generations but we are still talking about the same amount of years though … they just reproduce faster then the normal Americans.
Another positive effect is after I run for President I will have all of the Hispanic woman in the ‘South’, or ‘Northern Cuba’ as some might call, it vote for me!
Now I will need a few things to get my mission up and going but I think if I pitch it the right way to Congress and the House that I might be able to get a grant to live and party in South Beach … yea this might work after all …
First - I will need a ‘Hoopty’.
Nothing special but something borderline classic with all the additions.
You know, hydraulics, 7-coat paint that changes in the light as you look at it, ground effects and a stereo and speaker set up that could kill people from the bass.
Second - I will need to go back old school to the 70’s and bust out the Pimp outfit.
That’s right, purple leisure suit with matching hat and a giant feather … anyone have some of the boots with fish swimming in the heels anymore?
Third - I might need a knife … nothing like Dundee had but something to show that I mean business … switchblade might work but I don’t want to seem to cocky with anything bigger.
Gun … no this is going to be friendly I hope …
Now I do foresee a few problems.
One, some of the gangs are going to be upset with me taking all of there women.
Luckily I studied martial arts for a summer and the military showed me how to be a ninja … sorta … not really but this is my story so shut up already!If they get to mouthy I’ll smack them too!
This lead to how all of the signs are in Spanish or some other goobly gook that I don’t speak and we started hating on how we have let this happen.
The American language is English the last time I checked but some how the lands south of the Everglades have not heard about this.
Or they did hear it but didn’t understand it because it wasn’t in Spanish?
This needs to be fixed!
I am all about the melting pot effect and bringing over your culture and blah blah blah but come one.
I am actually from down there and I can’t speak to anyone?
I think I have come up with an ideal on how to fix this situation and I am afraid that I might be the only one left who is capable of doing it.
I am willing to take one for the team but it might have lasting effects that none of us are ready for … we might long and want the effects but the first response’s might be a little strange with a lot of gasping and shocking from the onlookers.
I will expect my face on Mt. Rushmore and to be at least nominated as a write in for President after I have completed my mission for this great Country of ours!
I being of a somewhat sound mind, and of reasonable health, (No matter what my Dr. might say) … am thinking about (Because of my ADD though I will forget tomorrow so lets not put a lot of faith into my words) … taking back the ‘South!’
How you might ask?
Brace yourself this is so simple and I can’t believe it has taken so long to come up with, but brilliance cannot be rushed!
I am going to go down and with my charming good looks and my super persuasive personality, I am going to force myself into the mix of all the collage age girls.
I hear it now, how could this help?
Step 1) Well because I am just so darn attractive and woman swoon as I walk by … (Not because I have a Flatulence problem like some people I know!) I will win them all over and they will all want to be with me.
Step 2) After this happens I will not speak to any of them unless they can speak in English.
The few who don’t I will be forced to threaten to smack them.
The effect of a violence threat will make them think I am a ‘Bad Boy’ causing them to want me, and then they too will submit to my plans as well.
Step 3) The men will then see that the hot Gringo is stealing all of the women and they will think it is because I speak English and have an American accent so they will then learn the true local lingo as well trying to win back there women.
With no effect I might add, you can’t fight what I have!
Positive Side effects equal - All of the younger people speak English and then teach there children and then they teach there children so that in just 2 generations I have had the effect that I was attempting to draw forth.
It might be 4 or 5 generations but we are still talking about the same amount of years though … they just reproduce faster then the normal Americans.
Another positive effect is after I run for President I will have all of the Hispanic woman in the ‘South’, or ‘Northern Cuba’ as some might call, it vote for me!
Now I will need a few things to get my mission up and going but I think if I pitch it the right way to Congress and the House that I might be able to get a grant to live and party in South Beach … yea this might work after all …
First - I will need a ‘Hoopty’.
Nothing special but something borderline classic with all the additions.
You know, hydraulics, 7-coat paint that changes in the light as you look at it, ground effects and a stereo and speaker set up that could kill people from the bass.
Second - I will need to go back old school to the 70’s and bust out the Pimp outfit.
That’s right, purple leisure suit with matching hat and a giant feather … anyone have some of the boots with fish swimming in the heels anymore?
Third - I might need a knife … nothing like Dundee had but something to show that I mean business … switchblade might work but I don’t want to seem to cocky with anything bigger.
Gun … no this is going to be friendly I hope …
Now I do foresee a few problems.
One, some of the gangs are going to be upset with me taking all of there women.
Luckily I studied martial arts for a summer and the military showed me how to be a ninja … sorta … not really but this is my story so shut up already!If they get to mouthy I’ll smack them too!
La Wife might disapprove and not like my mission, you know me having to be a stud and a borderline ‘Man Whore’ after all, but I have faith that she will be understanding that it is for the good of the Country!
Next, we have the problem of the music so I will need to get some GOOD ear protection.
I will have to learn how to dance too … that dance guys do during slow songs should work right?
The food also is an issue, I mean Flan is good but the rest of it ...
Then I will have the problem of all of the older woman who will long to be near me too.
I do have that effect on them too I fear so I must figure out how to take care of them without destroying my reputation … Dad what are you doing?
Wait, no you go to bed at like 6pm now so you can’t be my stand in with the geriatric side of all of this.
These people can’t be that bright, I mean they don’t even speak English so they should fall for this right?
I mean we took the country from another group who didn’t speak English and that turned out … ok but I think I stand a chance right?
I think this plan might need some more work but it is a start.
I do have that effect on them too I fear so I must figure out how to take care of them without destroying my reputation … Dad what are you doing?
Wait, no you go to bed at like 6pm now so you can’t be my stand in with the geriatric side of all of this.
These people can’t be that bright, I mean they don’t even speak English so they should fall for this right?
I mean we took the country from another group who didn’t speak English and that turned out … ok but I think I stand a chance right?
I think this plan might need some more work but it is a start.
4 comments:
Go for it.
There are a few flaws in your otherwise brilliant plan:
1) If you speak English to the women down there, they won't be able to understand you, therefore you won't be able to communicate and they will ignore you completely. If you ignore them they will like that. All other women do now.
2) You may cause the meaning of "Aye Popi" to change to "Don't explode Fatso". This could be bad for many reasons.
3) The men, who see you stealing their women will like this because then they can steal 'our women', which by the way they are doing already. Also, if you've ever heard a woman of Spanish decent go off on their respective other, it's not pretty. It's loud and violent. You're may however become a national hero for this. The men may vote you 'Gringo of the Year' or something.
4) Your number one problem as I see it however is that South Florida is about 40% gay. This could be a very big problem for you. Being the "man whore" that you profess to be, you could be accosted by a gang of gays who will tackle you, get you on the ground and do your hair, (not to mention other things). Because you won't know and have no desire to learn Spanish, you won't be able to communicate with them. For your protection I would learn some rudimentary phrases like, "Stop!" or "Back off!" or maybe even, "My God that's a big one, isn't it?" or in the worst case scenario, "Not without Vaseline, bucko!"
I'm just trying to help. Good luck. It's been nice knowing you.
I like the way you think. It terrifies me, but I still like it.
It's been eight days - it's time for you to amuse me, again. Geesh, I shouldn't have to keep reminding you.
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